Should Two Broken People Get Together

 In Blog, Can We Talk

Recently I hosted an event called “Can We Talk” that was geared towards helping black men and black women respect each other and to acquire understanding for each other’s perspective for the betterment of relationships. This event was a catalyst for the restoration of black men and black women relationships. It is evident that the black culture is in dire need of a reformation because our families and communities are deteriorating.

During the event, we all agreed that healing is vital. Ironically, the healing that we are referring to is within each individual. We recognized that we are all broken (or have been broken) and have been shaped in some manner by our past relationships (family, friends, social groups), conditions (economic, job, and educational statuses), environments (where we live and what we have access to), hurts, violations, and so on.

One of our discussion topics dealt with both men and women being broken. First let me distinguish the difference between perfection and brokenness and delineate wholeness. Perfection is needing no improvements and is without blemish and flaw. No one on this earth is perfect. There is only one Man who is and that’s Jesus Christ. But as for the rest of us, we are not perfect. Brokenness is being damaged by someone or situation which causes the person to reciprocate hurt and or a wounding action to another. When someone is broken, their soul is injured and impaired to correct behavior. We often hear the adage “Hurt people hurt people”. It is a truth. Their emotions, mindset, and habits impair their behavior. Wholeness is the renewal of the soul which involves reconditioning the mind with positive affirming thoughts, confronting and releasing pain, forgiving the offender and or self, living with joy, loving yourself and others, and having a healthy self-esteem (but not being arrogant). It’s being complete and in unity with your rejuvenated inner being emotionally and mentally.

One of the men asked if two broken people should get together. He described a married couple’s situation where two hurt people married and are making it work, but later said that they are just tolerating each other and that he could tell that they were being fake. Being transparent, I divulged my brokenness and how it attracted me to someone who was also broken. I was the recipient of his unresolved hidden issues. This distress lead me to experience the brokenness of divorce. However, I was determined to be whole and complete first before getting into another relationship so that I could offer who I really am to that right person. I wouldn’t have to camouflage my wounds because I would be restored. I conveyed to the group that while on my quest to be whole, I sought God and He told me that he was going to restore me. I was so excited. I thought it would happen with a “zap” but I was in for an awakening. Years past and I felt like I hadn’t progressed, so I confronted God about what he promised me. Here’s how the conversation went:

Me: God you said you were going to restore me.

Me: Immediately God gave me a vision of a car being refurbished.

God: You see this car. Look inside. The inside is all messed up. You see the serrated seats and all that either needs to come out and be replaced with new things. Others have to be sanded and repaired.

God: What if I just painted the outside? When someone opened the door to get in, they would see all of this mess and would know that you hadn’t been restored. (Inserting my thoughts from what the young gentleman said, “you could tell that they were being fake “. This is where the faking comes into play. Acting whole but hiding the unhealed wounds).

God: I have to start from the inside and then I will make the outside brand anew.

God: Restoration is the process of being restored. Many people ask to be restored but don’t won’t to go through the process because it hurts. (Inserting my thoughts… God nailed it with this statement).

After much discussion, we agreed that two broken people should not get into a relationship with each other because it wouldn’t be fair to either person. Each should work on becoming whole. Not perfect, but whole. Here are some reasons why you should work on being whole before getting into a relationship:

  1. To attract another whole person:

You don’t want the brokenness in you to attract another broken person that will reciprocate their unresolved pain to you and vice versa. Focus on getting yourself together and commit to and trust the process you have to go through to become whole.

  1. To gain a healthy disposition of yourself

When you know who you are, you won’t have to pretend with folks or settle for foolishness. You will be comfortable in your skin and the opinions of people will be like vapor, short-lasting, and ineffective at breaking you down. Their words won’t penetrate your soul and spirit.

  1. To respond appropriately in relationships

Wholeness helps you treat people with respect, integrity, and love. You’ll achieve proper perspective and know how to salubriously handle and resolve conflict.  You will respond to the person’s action in a mature and honest way.

  1. To help others become whole

We are to comfort others in trouble who are broken with the comfort we ourselves received… Helping others will bring fulfillment and joy to you and the person. It’s rehabilitating, recuperative, uplifting, and is a domino effect to promote productive lives and pay it forward and reorient healing of someone’s soul.

Respectfully … J. Renee

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Showing 48 comments
  • Annette
    Reply

    I really love that blog. I recently went through a friendship where me and a person connected after not speaking for a year or longer. After, connecting again we both assumed it was a God connection. But, it ended being a place where we were still not healed on the inside and still looking for what we needed.

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Annette… Now you will have time to seek God so that he makes you whole and I have no doubt that you will attract “Mr. Right”.

  • Mona Ward
    Reply

    So much awesomeness and wisdom was shared on this day from women and men regarding whether 2 broken people should get together. I agree with you & that faking like you are not broken is illogical for 3 reasons…1. You pain is still there. 2.. not accepting your brokenness prohibits healing. 3.Denying the existence of brokenness puts you further behind. God’s message delivered through you is profound. Go on with your bad self and TEACH, PREACH& TEACH????

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Mona… You are correct. Faking it does not address what’s going on inside of a person and leaves a person in the same victimized and broken state.

  • Dee
    Reply

    This is an awesome article and shows insight into the need for healing and restoration for a broken person before entering into “yet another” relationship….The saying “hurt people, hurt people” is true and two hurt people are a disaster waiting to occur. After dealing with hurt in relationships, friendships, associations, etc. Ample time in counseling, prayer, the presence of God, deliverance , “refurbishing” and further learning and instruction is viable…..This process takes time……which many are not willing to invest. The society in which we live places great emphasis on getting into relationships but not being healed whole and prepared for one.

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Dee… Truth! We live in a world that rushes and live in a fantasy when it comes to relationships. We escape and frown at the very thing we need for healing which is God and counseling.

  • Larry W. Robinson
    Reply

    Well how does a person know they are whole?

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Larry … Here are some ways to know if a person is healed.

      1. The person doesn’t exhibit anger and are no longer angry with the person who caused the hurt. They are able to pray for that person and not desire harm done to them – showing mercy and extending grace. Now that doesn’t mean that you have to be that person’s friend or even go back into the relationship (The person would need to be healed from their brokenness not to repeat it. I often say until God shows me the person has change, he or she haven’t. I would suggest you ask God if the relationship is to be rekindled).

      2. The person will be able to acknowledge he or she had an issue or that they were violated
      3. The person wouldn’t feel guilty about the brokenness or situation they went through
      4. The person is able to share it with others without being ashamed, frowning, and or displaying antipathy
      5. Others will visibly notice an outer appearance change (Folks would say things like you look different, you look really good, something about you is different that’s good, the inner glow will be noticeable by people)
      6. The raging thoughts are no longer occupying the person’s mind
      7. The heart doesn’t feel the pain
      8. God will also put the person in a situation to show he or she is healed.

      (He did this for me and I just smiled and said God you are really amazing – Thank You)

  • André
    Reply

    Great examples between the differences!!! Two broken people can help one another healing with first having the faith and belief in GOD has bought the two in out of two different paths to enter a path down the same route of rebirth into a foundation of trust

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Hi Andre … Thanks for your response. I believe that two broken people would need healing to be able to help each other.

  • Ashley
    Reply

    I absolutely love this post and how it conveys the real ness of restoration. Restoration is not easy, but it’s necessary for the betterment of an individual’s life and relationships! Many people do not know how to deal with brokenness and that’s the deep issue that needs to be addressed, but many do not want to face!

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Ashley… Your response is on target. Many don’t know how to deal with brokenness especially the black culture. We shone counseling which can be therapeutic. Instead, we allow it to deteriorate our lives. How do I know this? It’s exhibited in the dysfunction we are now facing

  • Christine
    Reply

    Love the discussion! Brokenness has many forms and depths. The connection of two broken people who have not began to heal is destined for more of the same for it is all they know. However, if two people on the path to healing have purposed in their mind and spirit to surrender to God and are willing to work at it daily, they will succeed. For their trust is no longer completely in each other but in God. They will be able to understand, support and encourage each other in this healing process in ways others may not understand. Together the three of them (God included) will seek a true healing.
    Thank you for opening this great platform! Love always❤️

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Christine … Yes, yes, and yes… brokenness comes in various forms and it’s complexity is definitely deep. Question for you. Do you think two broken people should get together or should they work on becoming whole first? I understand and know that many people are in relationships now and both are broken and a multitude of issues are occurring that perhaps wouldn’t have if the two would have resolved the brokenness. However, since they are already together and if both are wholeheartedly working to better themselves with God’s help of course, then yes, it will work. I believe that two broken people should become complete before entering into a relationship.

  • LATONYA HAMILTON
    Reply

    My view is a flat no. Sometime you need to work on / fix you and before you can be of value in anothers life. I see it like this … Picture a beautiful antic vase. It’s dropped. pieces are everywhere. Some are found enough to make to pretty good halves. But when you attempt to glue those two incomplete, shattered halves together…. They don’t hold. You have to be complete on your own to be able to unite with another. Complete doesn’t mean perfect (vase with no damage). But whole enough to stand on your own.

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      LaTonya … LOL. I like that your are straightforwardness and I agree with you. Your imagery about the vase is amazing and draws a vivid pictures of two broken people not being able to make it and fit together as one.

  • Debra D
    Reply

    Excellent blog! Interesting topic.

    Being in a formerly broken state myself, I can attest to the “hurt people, hurt people” comment. I’m guilty of both.
    With each action that reminded me of the former person, came undeseved consequences. Unfortunately, these consequences manifested themselves in verbal and/or mental tyraids. As a result, the partner retaliated forcing the growth of the issue. These were symptoms of an underlying problem. The root needed to be identified and acknowledged. I WAS BROKEN and so was he.

    This cycle never ends. It only escalates. Until zyou really listen to the instructions of the flight attendant, the cancer grows until it destroys. What flight attendant instructions? The one that explains what to do in the event the cabin loses pressure. “When the mask drops from above, place it over your face FIRST, then assist the person next to you.” How can you be any good to someone else, if you can’t breathe? When past hurts suck the very life out of you, how can you pour into someone else? If your spiritual fruit are rotten, how can you nourish and nurture what should be a God ordained institution?

    Allow God to put the pieces together first. A broken glass makes a beautiful mosaic once the pieces are properly placed.

  • Debra D
    Reply

    Excellent blog! Interesting topic.

    Being in a formerly broken state myself, I can attest to the “hurt people, hurt people” comment. I’m guilty of both.
    With each action that reminded me of the former person, came undeseved consequences. Unfortunately, these consequences manifested themselves in verbal and/or mental tyraids. As a result, the partner retaliated forcing the growth of the issue. These were symptoms of an underlying problem. The root needed to be identified and acknowledged. I WAS BROKEN and so was he.

    This cycle never ends. It only escalates. Until zyou really listen to the instructions of the flight attendant, the cancer grows until it destroys. What flight attendant instructions? The one that explains what to do in the event the cabin loses pressure. “When the mask drops from above, place it over your face FIRST, then assist the person next to you.” How can you be any good to someone else, if you can’t breathe? When past hurts suck the very life out of you, how can you pour into someone else? If your spiritual fruit are rotten, how can you nourish and nurture what should be a God ordained institution?

    Allow God to put the pieces together first. A broken glass makes a beautiful mosaic once the pieces are properly placed.

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Debra D… Thanks for your transparency. It proves the blogs point very well. I also love the mosaic picture you presented to show how God will take your mess and brokenness and turn it into a masterpiece so that your true beauty can be adored and loved by the right person/spouse!!! Don’t make me shout …

  • Yolanda Barrow
    Reply

    Absolutely not however as a counselor I see it all the time and the relationship turns into finger pointing instead of what should be a loving one accord union. Everyone has areas of improvement and daily you should work on those areas. The issue comes when you pretend that you are perfect and you meet that special someone who is also is just as much denial as you. An accident waiting to happen. Remember: we are all work in progress the key phrase is “in progress”. You should be working toward being a better you and your mate should be doing the same. Being real with yourself first and working towards change helps you to self improve then once you have made some accomplishments then are you ready to be with someone else. I would like to see people stop rushing into relationship after relationship. You have to give yourself time to learn where your went wrong and how you can improve yourself and be a better you.

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Yolanda … I hear you loud and clear. I pray folks stop going from one relationship to the next without taking time to mend, learn themselves, and love themselves. Literally folks rush into the “next” (and I mean “next” leaving out the description of relationship on purpose), as if it is going to fix them and fill the void. Most people are afraid of being alone as if alone means loneliness.

  • Rosa
    Reply

    You said that! I totally agree that one must be made whole prior to being able to make a relationship work! I love (& have too lived) the refurbished car analogy. God is the Potter & I am loving who He is making me into!

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Rosa … Truly we need to be put on the potters wheel so He could remove our blemishes (brokenness). He is the only one who could mend a crack and make it seemless.

  • TBrent
    Reply

    Jrenee, great blog! We need more discussions like this between men and women in our community. First, know that the only person in this world who will never fail you is God. Second, you attract who you are, heal yourself first. Third, turn yourself from coal to a diamond, know your self-worth. Last, appreciate yourself, because if you don’t, you better believe no one else will either.

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      TBrent … My my my! Man will fail us but God is trustworthy!. We have to learn to put our expectation in and on God. We can only expect people to be who they are at the current moment. I love the cola to diamond analogy because this is exactly what happens when God heals you from the inside out. You become a precious jewel with a priceless value.

  • Sue
    Reply

    After much pondering my answer is…I don’t believe so…A broken person or a person who feels fragmented hopefully has received Jesus as Savior and then with the help of the Holy Spirits seeks wholeness which usually involves self confrontation… I believe self confrontation is something people don’t want to do…Point made: The divorce rate among the Body of Christ is equally as high as the Worlds divorce rate and second marriage divorce rate among Christians is even higher!…Seems like we have adopted the worlds attitude about brokenness which is to hide it and put on an outwardly charade of “We got it all together”…Brokenness is also viewed as a worthless…It is something that is looked down upon…But I like the fact that God uses things that don’t make since to us…So, while I believe that two broken people should not marry until they are healed and walking in their true identity in Christ…Whoa!!!…Can you imagine what type of marriage and testimony they would have if they would truly surrender and allow God to heal them , deliver them and set them free?…Doesn’t seem like that is happening with the divorce rate as it is…We should fervently pray for people/each other to have a real, authentic relationship with Jesus…Bring brokenness to the one who is able to restore and transform our hearts.

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Susan … Say That… Most of us don’t want to admit that “We have fallen and can’t get up” or say Sergeant Carter I have an issue. Societies’ trick is to have us perpetrate a fraud about what’s valuable. Fame, status, stature, etc don’t represent worth. You can have it all and still be broken. Look at how many high profile individuals end their lives due to unresolved brokenness. And as you have so eloquently stated… Bring brokenness to the one who is able to restore and transform our hearts … God!

  • Barbara Love
    Reply

    Very interesting blog…I totally agree that (2) hurt people shouldn’t get into a relationship without being made whole. The hurt must be dealt with first…so that you can give someone 100% of yourself.

    • jreneejj
      Reply
    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Barbara…For sure and Point blank, the hurt must be dealt with: No matter the level or dept of it. It must be eradicated.

  • Niyira
    Reply

    That post was very POWERFUL! I especially likes your conversation with God! How does one confront a broken person and what are some techniques to help a person become whole?

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Niyira … I am glad that this blog spoke volumes to you. You have to tell people the truth in love. I ask God to open a door for me to loving speak to people about what I see and I also ask people what they see in me because I want to know if there is an area I need to address. I start out by sharing areas of brokenness I experienced and then correlate that with what I discern in that person. Then I pray with them.
      This opens a dialogue if the person is ready to confront their brokenness. The crucial element is that the person has to be ready to face their brokenness. Here are some techniques:

      1. Be their accountability person (only if they are committed) so you can address them when they are falling back into hurtful habits
      2. Fast and pray with them for them
      3. Search Scripture with them
      4. Find leisure activities that remove them from certain people and things that cater to their brokenness
      5. Ensure they go to counseling

  • Kiarah
    Reply

    Wow this was awesome ! I do have a question though. Is it better to point out a persons brokenness or should you let them figure it out on their own? Like in the group session when the man could tell they were faking it , why wouldn’t he let them know so that they could better themselves ?

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Kiarah … Oftentimes, people don’t see their own brokenness. Ask God for an opportunity to lovingly share what they are displaying. God’s timing and the way we address people is the key. This conversation should be done in a one-on-one setting. Never intend to embarrass someone. I think he should have addressed his friends and advised them to get counseling. Friends should direct each other into making good choices. I remember telling one of my exes friends that if he truly was a friend he would have addressed him when he was doing wrong instead of accompanying his behavior. That’s what friends do.

  • Michelle
    Reply

    Jessica, thank you for your thoughts. I am in agreement with you. It is better if broken people deal with their issues before entering into a relationship.

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Michelle … Thanks for your comments.

  • PNAllen
    Reply

    This is excellent info and very practical. It helped me reevaluate myself in both the brokenness and wholeness. Wish I had attended the Can We Talk event.

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Patrick … Thanks for you comments. I will definitely let you know about the next “Can We Talk” as soon as dates are finalized.

  • Kimberly
    Reply

    Thanks for allowing the word of God and his love for us to flow through you in word and deed. I pray that he continues to open doors for you to share his teachings on a larger platform. Thank you for being obedient, thank you for being transparent and thank you for leading by example.

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Kimberly… Thanks tremendously and God be the Glory! “Can We Talk” part two coming soon!

  • George Sharpe
    Reply

    Wow, your insight on this is very thought provoking and needs no commentary. I thought at one point, though not ideal, that it was possible but as I read your thought process I can honestly say I see the destructive nature of such a union. Truly anointed writing on this issue.

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      George… Many of us think that we are okay and that we can “hold down” the brokenness until the iron sharpens iron process in a relationship starts. That person’s issues and our issues have a head on collision and boom the explosion. We should desire a love explosion and not a brokenness explosion. Thanks for your honesty.

  • Audrey
    Reply

    You are right brokenness is something we all may have experienced, we need to ask God for His wholeness.

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Audrey… Without a doubt we need to ask the one who created us and knows us to fix what we have broken!

  • Elizabeth
    Reply

    This blog was very insightful. Although I am happily married, I’ve gained insight on how to continually grow in my relationship. Although I am not broken, I still get bruises from situations or actions that has caused me pain. It is imperative to go through the process of healing so that my husband and I continue to grow closer on this journey of Life and marriage. Also it’s important to heal so that we don’t pass on those insecurities and pains to our children.

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Elizabeth… I wholeheartedly agree that we have to break the cycle of our brokenness so that we don’t pass it on to our bloodline, generations after us.

  • M.Aaron
    Reply

    Jessica your blog is Awesome and you were right this is a Hot Topic.
    We need more forums like this to openly discuss topics such as the one you have posted.
    Thanks for opening up the dialogue…. I have to dig deep in my thoughts on this one lol….

    • jreneejj
      Reply

      Marva… That’s exactly what we all have to and need to do dig deep. We need these conversations so the next generation is better. The next “Can We Talk” will be early next year (Feb or March). Wait until you read the next blog… Topic will deal with women…LOL!!!

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