Should Two Broken People Get Together
Recently I hosted an event called “Can We Talk” that was geared towards helping black men and black women respect each other and to acquire understanding for each other’s perspective for the betterment of relationships. This event was a catalyst for the restoration of black men and black women relationships. It is evident that the black culture is in dire need of a reformation because our families and communities are deteriorating.
During the event, we all agreed that healing is vital. Ironically, the healing that we are referring to is within each individual. We recognized that we are all broken (or have been broken) and have been shaped in some manner by our past relationships (family, friends, social groups), conditions (economic, job, and educational statuses), environments (where we live and what we have access to), hurts, violations, and so on.
One of our discussion topics dealt with both men and women being broken. First let me distinguish the difference between perfection and brokenness and delineate wholeness. Perfection is needing no improvements and is without blemish and flaw. No one on this earth is perfect. There is only one Man who is and that’s Jesus Christ. But as for the rest of us, we are not perfect. Brokenness is being damaged by someone or situation which causes the person to reciprocate hurt and or a wounding action to another. When someone is broken, their soul is injured and impaired to correct behavior. We often hear the adage “Hurt people hurt people”. It is a truth. Their emotions, mindset, and habits impair their behavior. Wholeness is the renewal of the soul which involves reconditioning the mind with positive affirming thoughts, confronting and releasing pain, forgiving the offender and or self, living with joy, loving yourself and others, and having a healthy self-esteem (but not being arrogant). It’s being complete and in unity with your rejuvenated inner being emotionally and mentally.
One of the men asked if two broken people should get together. He described a married couple’s situation where two hurt people married and are making it work, but later said that they are just tolerating each other and that he could tell that they were being fake. Being transparent, I divulged my brokenness and how it attracted me to someone who was also broken. I was the recipient of his unresolved hidden issues. This distress lead me to experience the brokenness of divorce. However, I was determined to be whole and complete first before getting into another relationship so that I could offer who I really am to that right person. I wouldn’t have to camouflage my wounds because I would be restored. I conveyed to the group that while on my quest to be whole, I sought God and He told me that he was going to restore me. I was so excited. I thought it would happen with a “zap” but I was in for an awakening. Years past and I felt like I hadn’t progressed, so I confronted God about what he promised me. Here’s how the conversation went:
Me: God you said you were going to restore me.
Me: Immediately God gave me a vision of a car being refurbished.
God: You see this car. Look inside. The inside is all messed up. You see the serrated seats and all that either needs to come out and be replaced with new things. Others have to be sanded and repaired.
God: What if I just painted the outside? When someone opened the door to get in, they would see all of this mess and would know that you hadn’t been restored. (Inserting my thoughts from what the young gentleman said, “you could tell that they were being fake “. This is where the faking comes into play. Acting whole but hiding the unhealed wounds).
God: I have to start from the inside and then I will make the outside brand anew.
God: Restoration is the process of being restored. Many people ask to be restored but don’t won’t to go through the process because it hurts. (Inserting my thoughts… God nailed it with this statement).
After much discussion, we agreed that two broken people should not get into a relationship with each other because it wouldn’t be fair to either person. Each should work on becoming whole. Not perfect, but whole. Here are some reasons why you should work on being whole before getting into a relationship:
- To attract another whole person:
You don’t want the brokenness in you to attract another broken person that will reciprocate their unresolved pain to you and vice versa. Focus on getting yourself together and commit to and trust the process you have to go through to become whole.
- To gain a healthy disposition of yourself
When you know who you are, you won’t have to pretend with folks or settle for foolishness. You will be comfortable in your skin and the opinions of people will be like vapor, short-lasting, and ineffective at breaking you down. Their words won’t penetrate your soul and spirit.
- To respond appropriately in relationships
Wholeness helps you treat people with respect, integrity, and love. You’ll achieve proper perspective and know how to salubriously handle and resolve conflict. You will respond to the person’s action in a mature and honest way.
- To help others become whole
We are to comfort others in trouble who are broken with the comfort we ourselves received… Helping others will bring fulfillment and joy to you and the person. It’s rehabilitating, recuperative, uplifting, and is a domino effect to promote productive lives and pay it forward and reorient healing of someone’s soul.
Respectfully … J. Renee